RLT Curated Videos

Terry Real presents time-outs as circuit breakers that stop escalating conflict. Agree on them beforehand; either partner can say “time-out” or signal “T” and leave. Use the break to recentre, check in at set intervals, and return in good faith. Click Additional resource for the detailed process PDF

Terry Real introduces the Relationship Grid, mapping self-esteem (grandiosity to shame) and boundaries (walled-off to boundaryless). Notice where you are when triggered, move to centre where we are in a mature psychological state: come down from grandiosity, up from shame, rein yourself in, or open up and engage.

Terry Real explains why complaining rarely gets you what you want. Inside every complaint is a request: lead with it. Speak subjectively and humbly, as a favour, dare to rock the boat, teach your partner the specific of what you want, then reward their efforts.

Terry Real contrasts inside-out self-esteem, the inherent worth you’re born with, and outside-in self-esteem, borrowed from others’ approval. Relying on validation creates love dependency, common in anxious pursuers. Outsized reactions to disapproval signal needed inner work: learn to love yourself.

In this video, Terry Real explains “empathetic reversal”: excusing people who hurt us, a self-blaming habit often learned in childhood because it felt safer. Loving someone harder won’t stop the harm. He encourages lovingly standing up for yourself, and caring for yourself too.

Terry Real teaches the Feedback Wheel, a key RLT skill: state the facts, the story you made up, your feelings, and specifically what you’d like. Stay humble, on your side of the street. As listener, listen without defending, own what you can, and give generously.

Terry Real explains three negotiation modes: invitations, requests and demands. “Need” is a demand word, best reserved for emergencies and genuine bottom lines, where the ultimatums states what you’ll do. Mostly, ask for requests humbly, as favours and with appreciation, and handle a “no” gracefully.

Terry Real explains relational mindfulness, the foundational skill behind all others. When triggered into fight, flight or fawn, pause, breathe and observe yourself. Recentring in the part that wants repair gives you choice. Use skills built through practice and coaching.

Terry Real outlines Relational Life Therapy’s three phases: confronting dysfunctional patterns, healing trauma, and teaching relational skills. He explains “joining through the truth,” working with shame and grandiosity, relational versus individual empowerment, and how RLT differs from Gottman and Internal Family Systems (IFS).